Posts Tagged With: relationships

I suck at this blogging thing…

A-true-relationship-is-having-someone-who-accepts-your-past-supports-your-present-loves-you-and-encourages-your-futureNot that this statement is shocking to anyone that has read this blog with any frequency. 🙂 But I think I finally know why. I started this blog to kinda get outside of myself. I have struggled a long time with allowing people close enough to hurt me. Now, I realize that one’s instinct is to keep themselves safe, but I kept EVERYONE at least arm’s length. But at the same time, I would help anyone that I could, as often as I could. I thought this was being a good friend. Helping them carry their burdens while not burdening them with my own. But that is not true relationship. It’s a give and take. And I found as I began to let people in, that it was frustrating for them to be in relationship with me while I purposely held parts of myself to myself.

And it was a lonely place to be. While I was safe from any emotional harm, I also was no longer living life. I actually don’t know if I had ever lived life. And then I let go this perception of self preservation and began to open up. I started with those that were already my friends. I let them get closer. I shared struggles with them and let them help me, even if the help was nothing more than to listen. And it was difficult! So freaking difficult to do. As I spoke about whatever I was struggling about, I was also worrying on the inside of how they were perceiving me. I mean was I being petty? Did I blow things out of proportion? Was my friend sitting there thinking that I was just a huge loser? Turns out no. Well, most of the time. I am human. And I have honest friends 😉

So I started this blog as an exercise to get out of my comfort zone. It started with the mundane (and often hysterical) training stories of my marathon training and then circuit training. And every once in a while, I put a little something personal on there, and I would just see the numbers skyrocket on views. (Oh, and one secret I’ve kept is that I could see the view count and search terms. Someone out there has been regularly searching out my blog but would never subscribe. I see you! 😉 Ha!!)

And then those posts became more regular. And the more honest I became, the more it seemed to attract people’s attention. And never once did I receive anything negative. And this is the forum to do it. Complete anonymity!! But a fantastic thing seemed to happen in the process. The more I got used to opening up, the more I was not met with judgmental attitudes, the more I opened up.  In real life. I worried less about the opinions of those that didn’t matter. I became transparent to those that I love and love me. I began to live a life with arms wide open. I began to simply live life.

Now I’m not saying that I have not been hurt in the process because I have. Deeply. There have been moments where I was convinced that I would be unable to claw my way back to the surface. But then I remembered that I didn’t have to do it alone. That I had people that were there to help me. That wanted to help me. And then there were moments that I trusted people that weren’t who they presented themselves to be and I just had to let go of those relationships instead of trying to figure out the why of the situation. And as broken as my heart was, I bounced back. Some situations took longer than others, but I bounced back with the help of my friends.

And as I lived more transparently in my real life, I spent less time chronicling my shenanigans on here.  Because I became busy. Busy living the life I was always meant to live. Enjoying the wonderfully genuine people that were placed in my path. Busy living the life I used to write about in this blog.

And in my times of need, I reached out for help. I began to shed this huge ego problem that I held so tightly to before ( <- I attribute this to Jiu Jitsu, btw). And man I’m a lucky girl! Because no matter the situation, the help was abundant. Whether it was deep, big problems or a mini sobfest in the middle of my bed, someone was there to care for me. With absolutely no judgement. Now I’m not perfect. I still struggle with opening up. But those same people that are there to support me also support me by gently reminding me that I am being a stubborn ass. 😉 I’m a work in progress. 🙂

So I think I know why I now suck at this blog thing. It’s because I no longer suck at this thing called life. So like other things in my life that were only meant to be in my life for a season, I am saying goodbye to this blog.

~~Til we meet again (in real life)

Advertisements
Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

No New Year’s resolutions here…

imagesLife is short. Really short if you think about it. The gray hairs I plan to cover tonight with hair dye are evidence of the years I’ve lived.

And then I think about the sweet girl that lost her life just days before Christmas at the tender age of 17. Life offers no guarantees.

And then there are the several battles of cancer I’ve had to face and have been open about and the multitude of “scares” that I’ve kept to myself. No guarantees.

Maybe that is why I live my life the way I do. I choose a life of passion. Of joy. Of a “human soul on fire”. A life of no regrets. And I also cut out things that do not add to the quality of my life. I do not want to sit on my death bed wishing I had not wasted seconds of my precious life on things that did not add love, passion, and life.

I want to do something? I do it. I want to go somewhere? I go. I want to spend time with someone? I do. Some think me crazy. Some think me bold. But while I have the privilege to experience this simulation we call life, I choose to find those moments meant to bring life and pursue them. I choose to pursue relationships that bring love and light.  I want to be the friend that is energizing and uplifting. I want to be the lover that brings quiet excitement and chaotic peace. I want to be wholly me. 

At the end of my days, I want the movie that plays before my eyes to be filled with the moments I shared with the people I loved, doing the things I loved. And that starts with the everyday. New years resolutions? I don’t make them. I choose to live them.

So what makes you feel alive?? And do you choose to pursue them daily??

~~Til the next time…

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

More like a family…

photo8 months. That’s how long I’ve been doing Jiu Jitsu. Still loving the hell out of it. Best form of exercise I have found for my body and personality. I’m learning every single day. My mind stays engaged. And I love that aspect. But even more, I find that the longer I go, the more I appreciate the relationships I have formed.

I genuinely adore the people I train with. They have got to be the most down to earth people I have ever met. Actually, most that I have met in the Jiu Jitsu community are pretty awesome people. I learn something new just about every time I roll with any of my teammates. I love that even if I get my ass handed to me or vice versa, we can stand up and finish with a hug and a “Hey! Good roll.” because it is not about beating the other person in the end. Or to prove a point. We save that for the tournaments. It’s about learning from one another and having fun.

I also love that I can talk to just about anyone with an issue I am having and they are ready to help. There is no sense of “me” in the jiu jitsu world. Everyone seems to want to share knowledge. Not finishing that choke? “Move this way. Change this. Yep. Like that.” *Gag* Tap! Tap! It’s the jiu jitsu way.

And I can’t tell you how awesome it is to have this as a part of my life. I’m a girl living far from home. I love knowing that at the end of the day, I’m walking into not just my jiu jitsu gym, but into what feels like home with family. The only difference is the hugs we give one another look awfully similar to chokes. 😉

So to my jiu jitsu family, thanks! You all are awesome and I so appreciate who you are and how you represent jiu jitsu to the world.

~~Til the next time

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Oh sweet epiphany…

chalkboard_loveNo truer words have been spoken. If you haven’t watched the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower, I highly recommend it. Wonderful movie!!

So the question was posed to me of why I seemed to have dated buttholes (<my word) in my past. At the time, my only answer was I don’t know. And then, maybe there is a lesson to be learned. And then the topic was dropped.

Then there was yesterday. It was a long and hectic day. I think in all the madness that the day brought, it also brought down my defenses. On the drive home, I was alone and just singing along to the music playing and it hit me. I dated the “buttholes” because that was all I thought I deserved. Which is mindboggling to me, because if you were to ask me on any given day, I would spout out all I think, sorry, know that I deserve. But I guess deep down, in my subconscious mind, I didn’t really believe it all. Not when it came right down to it.

But then on the other side of it, it is what I really want. What anyone wants really. It’s why I gravitate towards the romantic comedies and sappy love songs. The passionate love affair with my best friend that is filled with all the good and bad moments that real life brings. To be utterly and completely me.

Up until recently, I think I’ve just settled. Settled for the attention I got. Settled to be the person the other wanted me to be. Settled for mediocrity and was honestly shocked with what I received. A less than satisfactory life. A life where I felt alone in the midst of people. Invisible as my guarded persona laughed and cheered with the crowd.

I think until I felt a glimpse of the sort of life I wanted, it was really hard for me to embrace it. Not all the guys in my life were or are buttholes. I’ve felt known. And accepted. And enjoyed for who I really am. For the Tina that shows up when the walls are down. I’ve been in the place where I felt cared for. Where the flawed, broken me found refuge and to be honest, healing. I have found peace in the silence.

So in the moments of solitude and openness in my car, my epiphany happened. I have had a less than stellar track record because I accepted the love I thought I deserved. I rejected any semblance of being truly known and cared for because I thought it was not for me. I cared for people who didn’t care for me. It was easier to hide than run the risk of being vulnerable with someone else. But now I know better. I know the risk I run by being wholly me is far less than the reward of being free. Of being known. Of being accepted. Of being me.

So today I travel the road of accepting the love I think I deserve. And that is one of greatness.

~~Til the next time

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: | Leave a comment

What kind of person attracts you

challengeThis one is kinda an easy one. I’ve written more than one post about this. So here goes. The continuation of the worst attempt at a 30 day writing challenge…in history.

Friendly. Funny. Easy going. Strong. A communicator. Affectionate. Honest. Accountable. Fair. Playful. Supportive. Adventurous. Faithful. Confident. Empathetic. Caring. Down for the quality time (alone and with others). Real (Don’t fake it! Trust me, fake it ’til you make it, don’t work).

Uuuuuummmmm….okay, this is hard.

I guess just someone that has the qualities listed above and also open to let what happens happen. I’ve been very guilty of walling myself in in some effort to protect myself but instead I found myself hurting people and found myself hurt more often than not. Hurt and very lonely. It has seemed that in the last several years, even though I’ve had my share of failed relationships, it was better to be open to the possibility then to pretend I didn’t care. Some failed relationships ended in friendship. Some just ended. But I don’t regret putting myself out there. So I guess a big one for me is a willingness. There is more that I’m sure I’ve covered in other posts 🙂 This was just the short and dirty version.

Day 458,558,684 down!! 😉

~~Til the next time

Day 28

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , | 1 Comment

I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours ;)

5-love-languagesOh, yes. I do realize that I’ve skipped waaaaaay ahead. I’ve decided that the world’s longest 30 day challenge no longer followed the rules anyways, so I’m picking what I want to write 🙂 So, day 20: What is your love language?? If you don’t know what this is, or even better, what yours is, click on the pic and it will take you to a short quiz. Trust me, totally worth the time.

I’ve mentioned this in another post sort of, but my biggest love language is physical touch.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face–they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

I’m a toucher. I just am. More so with the people in my life but I’ve been known to disregard a stranger’s personal space a time or two. Mostly with a touch while in conversation. I’ve been accused of being flirty because of this, but I promise you, it is not. AT ALL. That is just another way I communicate.

Another that ranks up there is Quality Time. Time spent together. I love it. So the guy I’m seeing doesn’t own a television and I have to say that it is quite nice. He has Netflix so if we wanted to watch something we could, but so far we haven’t. It’s been nice just laying on the couch talking. Getting to know each other. Talk about one another’s days. Hang out with the kiddos 🙂 Enjoy the silence. I highly recommend it. You don’t have to sell your TVs but maybe turn it off for a bit. 🙂

So there you go 🙂 Just curious, what is yours?

~~Til the next time…

Day 20

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Day 9: Not doing the list

Day 9Day 9: ———-

So today was supposed to be about 10 pet peeves, but I have to say that my heart is heavy given what happened yesterday in Boston. I sat at my desk working with Facebook open on one of my screens, watching as a running group I used to be a part of was calling off members as they crossed the finish line in Boston, liking the posts as they popped up. I said a little “YAY!” as I saw them start rolling in. And then I started to see the reports of an explosion, maybe two at the finish line. Confusion. My brain tried to understand, figure out what could have exploded, hoping that there were no people hurt. I will say in the rainbow and sunshine brain of mine, I imagined that the explosion was no where near people and it was some freak accident. And then I started to hear the reports of planted bombs and my heart broke. The news reports were constant. The numbers of dead and hurt rose quickly. Pictures popped up on the television and all over social media.

I think this hit me a little harder because this happened in my community, within my running family. Lace up your tennis shoes and go running anywhere and when you encounter another runner, you will be met with a raised hand, a nod of the head, a smile, some sort of “hey, I see you.” It’s just what you do. And you don’t have to be a runner to understand this camaraderie. It’s the same with boaters, bikers, Jeep owners, and more I am sure I am not even aware of. We may not know each other but we recognize we still have a relationship and it is one of the things that I love about being in the running community. We share the same heart.

So when I started to hear about the damage done by some evil person, my heart sank. As much as I wanted to understand what happened, I stayed away from the television and internet all together last night. Like I told my very crushed daughter this morning, there is no understanding evil. She too is part of this community. In less then 2 weeks, I will be running in the Music City Marathon and she will be volunteering at the finish line. She will be the one that will put my finisher’s medal around my neck. As we were looking towards that day, we were excited but that was still clouded by the pain we felt for those in Boston.

And so today, my mind and heart is with Boston. And when I run in two weeks, I run for not only my little Newton angel, I will also run for Boston. For an extended family whose beautiful, celebration filled day was stolen by evil.

~~Til the next time…

559985_10200545937403557_2111478480_n

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced

Day 6

Note to self: Next time I create one of these, pick light-hearted material. I guess the goal was to not only write but to also stretch myself but stiiiiiiiiill… Alright enough of the whining. 🙂

Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced

Honestly, I could pick a number of things to write about, but if I am being completely honest, I know which one it is.

Love is a funny thing sometimes. It is something that can lift you up, carry you through the most difficult of days. It can also rip you to your core. And the worst you will feel will sometimes come from those that you love the most. I guess it is because those are the ones that you open up to the most. You are your most vulnerable and therefore the heartache comes easier.

urlOkay, I’m stalling 🙂 but I guess the hardest thing I’ve experienced is also one of the hardest to write about. So not too long ago, yesterday really in my mind, I walked away from love. It was both the most logical and illogical decision I made. We both loved each other immensely. I had no doubt about that. Not for a second. But lordie were we just poison for one another.

We played this game of back and forth for many years. We lived a life of extremes. I love you. I hate you. You are my everything. You mean nothing to me. Don’t ever leave. Don’t ever come back. It was honestly very exhausting. But love will make you do stupid things. The last time was our longest consecutive time together and was probably the most painful. That time, we finally admitted that we loved each other.

When we met, we were so over relationships. We’d both been burned one too many times. At 32, I’d decided that I didn’t want to deal with relationships anymore. Thoughts of someday marrying someone??? Oh, hell no. I was done! Sad when I think about it, that at 32, I’d already given up. But I was so tired of hurting. My thought was if I just kept my distance, from men, from people in general, then I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of loss ever again.

And then I meet him.

We were like magnets. In every sense. There were times that we were just drawn together. I can’t put my finger on precisely why but if we were anywhere near each other, we would run into each other. Now, I live in a big city. It’s easy to get lost here if you want to. Didn’t seem to work with him. Then there were other times that, just like magnets, being anywhere near each other repelled us, shooting us in opposite directions.

Like I said, we did this for many years. Some of the pain I have chronicled here deal with him. We were together so long that there isn’t much in my life that doesn’t reminds me of him. Movies. Songs. My favorite artist we discovered together at another artist’s concert. I have a lot of good memories from our time together.

I also have a lot of gut-wrenching, pain-filled memories as well. The worst come from our last month together. It finally became too much. I made the decision to leave. It took a couple of tries but in the end, I did. And it honestly was the best decision I made when it came to our relationship. I had become an enabler (<– perfect example at this post) to his bad behavior and bad decisions. I lost all my glitter and sparkle to try to make something work that was never meant to.

So I made one of the hardest decisions in my life. I walked away from the one person outside of my family that I loved the most.

I will say that thanks to that relationship, I am no longer cynical and closed off. I have plenty of reason to but today, I choose walk another path. I’m young. Too young to give up on life and love. I’m not actively seeking it out, but I am no longer sitting in my house, closed off to the world in an attempt to stay safe. I take any opportunity to live and make memories. Right now, they are with the best friends a person can have and with my precious children. And when it happens, I hope I am open enough to recognize it and embrace it. I just have to keep remembering that beautiful flowers do not grow in the absence of rain.

~~Til the next time…

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Day 2: Five Ways to Win My Heart

day-2Day 2. Here we go 🙂

5 Ways to Win My Heart:

1) I make the joke constantly that I’ll probably end up marrying the guy that can figure out the whole flower situation with me. It’s not that I’m a huge fan of flowers. But because I am a cheap-o, I figure if you are going to spend the money, why not get me ones that I actually like. And no, I am not going to proclaim what they are on here. Gotta work a little harder than finding and reading my blog 😉 This seems to be a weird little thing in my relationships. If I get flowers, they are ones that I am not particularly fond of.

2) Good communication. And I’m not just talking about conflict resolution. I want someone that I can talk to. Intellectual talks. Silly talks. I’m looking for someone where conversations are easy.

3) Be a naturally affectionate person. I know that sounds strange but I can tell when it’s a forced act. I think everyone can in a way. I like the little “hey, I see you” touches. 🙂

4) Celebrate the holidays. I like birthdays. I like Christmas. And Thanksgiving. I dated a guy once that would see something that he said reminded him of me and get it for me, but he did nothing on the holidays. He barely recognized my birthday. Actually he bought himself something that day. Not a good feeling.

5) And while we’re talking about it, just be a person that celebrates life. Because of my battles with cancer, I am reminded that life is short. For the most part, life is full of fun little things. If you spend your life focusing on the bad, that’s all you’ll see. I’d rather relish the livelier, glittery parts of life 🙂

Short list but I was only supposed to pick 5 anyways 🙂

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: | 1 Comment

Day 1: Things I want to say to my ex(es)

Day 1

So today is the first of my 30 day writing challenge and I’m glad that I have direction in the form of my little list. Well, at some point during the night, a series of things happened that made me decide to reorder my list of topics. Perks of being the one that put together the list 😉

So today I am going to start with my new number 1: Things you want to say to your ex

When I first started pulling topics from other people’s list, I hesitated on this one. I thought, well, no one wants to hear what I have to say to my ex, but I added it anyways. As I drove into work this morning, I saw what the purpose would be, which is different than what I thought it would be originally. First, it is just not one ex. And second, it’s not all bad. I realized this didn’t have to be a shit-fest. I could still be nice. I guess we’ll see how it turns out by the end 😉

First and most importantly, I don’t regret our time. There were good moments in there. When we became you and I, I didn’t regret it even then. Sure there was some hurt and anger, but no regret.

Yes, I realize there were a lot more good moments than there were bad, but those bad moments (decisions, actions, words) were more than I could take.

Being with you, I learned things about myself. Some good. Some bad. I hope I’m growing with each discovery and mistake. I also learned what I am just not willing to deal with. Deal breakers?? Yeah, I now have a list.

Speaking of deal breakers, thanks for highlighting what is important to me in a relationship. My birthday. Or any holiday for that matter. I like celebrations. Knowing me. That’s an important one. I get 3 months in, you may not know my favorites. But 6 months? A year? Yeah. At that point, you should know some of the basics, like the fact that I hate surprises. Of any sort. Regardless of motivation. There are others but that stands out. And if I list them all here, I have nothing for tomorrow 😉 Oh and pointing out that something is a deal breaker. Obviously it’s not, or you’d have ended it. Keep that shit to yourself 😉 I know I do.

Because of how you cared for me, I learned that while I love being a strong-willed, opinionated, loud and brash woman, it’s also okay to be a soft and gentle, open woman. I don’t have to be in charge all the time. It’s okay to let someone else be the protector. I can let people in and let them be my source of comfort, like I strive to be for others.

I want to thank you for helping me find my voice. With all the work that I’ve done in counseling, it seems that I forget important lessons a time or two (or 15). In my quest to please you, I silenced who I am. I won’t do that again…for anyone.

At the same time, thank you for showing me the good in me. I still struggle daily with realizing that I am an awesome and special person. Thank you for being a person that reminded me of those things. I can not tell you how precious those little moments were and still are for me.

And finally, you’ve taught me that when I’m done, I just need to be done. I make the mistake in thinking that maybe… Maybe things will change. Maybe we can still be friends. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I need to realize that it is over for a reason and be fine with that and move on.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: | Leave a comment

Blog at WordPress.com.