Posts Tagged With: Relationship

I suck at this blogging thing…

A-true-relationship-is-having-someone-who-accepts-your-past-supports-your-present-loves-you-and-encourages-your-futureNot that this statement is shocking to anyone that has read this blog with any frequency. 🙂 But I think I finally know why. I started this blog to kinda get outside of myself. I have struggled a long time with allowing people close enough to hurt me. Now, I realize that one’s instinct is to keep themselves safe, but I kept EVERYONE at least arm’s length. But at the same time, I would help anyone that I could, as often as I could. I thought this was being a good friend. Helping them carry their burdens while not burdening them with my own. But that is not true relationship. It’s a give and take. And I found as I began to let people in, that it was frustrating for them to be in relationship with me while I purposely held parts of myself to myself.

And it was a lonely place to be. While I was safe from any emotional harm, I also was no longer living life. I actually don’t know if I had ever lived life. And then I let go this perception of self preservation and began to open up. I started with those that were already my friends. I let them get closer. I shared struggles with them and let them help me, even if the help was nothing more than to listen. And it was difficult! So freaking difficult to do. As I spoke about whatever I was struggling about, I was also worrying on the inside of how they were perceiving me. I mean was I being petty? Did I blow things out of proportion? Was my friend sitting there thinking that I was just a huge loser? Turns out no. Well, most of the time. I am human. And I have honest friends 😉

So I started this blog as an exercise to get out of my comfort zone. It started with the mundane (and often hysterical) training stories of my marathon training and then circuit training. And every once in a while, I put a little something personal on there, and I would just see the numbers skyrocket on views. (Oh, and one secret I’ve kept is that I could see the view count and search terms. Someone out there has been regularly searching out my blog but would never subscribe. I see you! 😉 Ha!!)

And then those posts became more regular. And the more honest I became, the more it seemed to attract people’s attention. And never once did I receive anything negative. And this is the forum to do it. Complete anonymity!! But a fantastic thing seemed to happen in the process. The more I got used to opening up, the more I was not met with judgmental attitudes, the more I opened up.  In real life. I worried less about the opinions of those that didn’t matter. I became transparent to those that I love and love me. I began to live a life with arms wide open. I began to simply live life.

Now I’m not saying that I have not been hurt in the process because I have. Deeply. There have been moments where I was convinced that I would be unable to claw my way back to the surface. But then I remembered that I didn’t have to do it alone. That I had people that were there to help me. That wanted to help me. And then there were moments that I trusted people that weren’t who they presented themselves to be and I just had to let go of those relationships instead of trying to figure out the why of the situation. And as broken as my heart was, I bounced back. Some situations took longer than others, but I bounced back with the help of my friends.

And as I lived more transparently in my real life, I spent less time chronicling my shenanigans on here.  Because I became busy. Busy living the life I was always meant to live. Enjoying the wonderfully genuine people that were placed in my path. Busy living the life I used to write about in this blog.

And in my times of need, I reached out for help. I began to shed this huge ego problem that I held so tightly to before ( <- I attribute this to Jiu Jitsu, btw). And man I’m a lucky girl! Because no matter the situation, the help was abundant. Whether it was deep, big problems or a mini sobfest in the middle of my bed, someone was there to care for me. With absolutely no judgement. Now I’m not perfect. I still struggle with opening up. But those same people that are there to support me also support me by gently reminding me that I am being a stubborn ass. 😉 I’m a work in progress. 🙂

So I think I know why I now suck at this blog thing. It’s because I no longer suck at this thing called life. So like other things in my life that were only meant to be in my life for a season, I am saying goodbye to this blog.

~~Til we meet again (in real life)

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No New Year’s resolutions here…

imagesLife is short. Really short if you think about it. The gray hairs I plan to cover tonight with hair dye are evidence of the years I’ve lived.

And then I think about the sweet girl that lost her life just days before Christmas at the tender age of 17. Life offers no guarantees.

And then there are the several battles of cancer I’ve had to face and have been open about and the multitude of “scares” that I’ve kept to myself. No guarantees.

Maybe that is why I live my life the way I do. I choose a life of passion. Of joy. Of a “human soul on fire”. A life of no regrets. And I also cut out things that do not add to the quality of my life. I do not want to sit on my death bed wishing I had not wasted seconds of my precious life on things that did not add love, passion, and life.

I want to do something? I do it. I want to go somewhere? I go. I want to spend time with someone? I do. Some think me crazy. Some think me bold. But while I have the privilege to experience this simulation we call life, I choose to find those moments meant to bring life and pursue them. I choose to pursue relationships that bring love and light.  I want to be the friend that is energizing and uplifting. I want to be the lover that brings quiet excitement and chaotic peace. I want to be wholly me. 

At the end of my days, I want the movie that plays before my eyes to be filled with the moments I shared with the people I loved, doing the things I loved. And that starts with the everyday. New years resolutions? I don’t make them. I choose to live them.

So what makes you feel alive?? And do you choose to pursue them daily??

~~Til the next time…

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More like a family…

photo8 months. That’s how long I’ve been doing Jiu Jitsu. Still loving the hell out of it. Best form of exercise I have found for my body and personality. I’m learning every single day. My mind stays engaged. And I love that aspect. But even more, I find that the longer I go, the more I appreciate the relationships I have formed.

I genuinely adore the people I train with. They have got to be the most down to earth people I have ever met. Actually, most that I have met in the Jiu Jitsu community are pretty awesome people. I learn something new just about every time I roll with any of my teammates. I love that even if I get my ass handed to me or vice versa, we can stand up and finish with a hug and a “Hey! Good roll.” because it is not about beating the other person in the end. Or to prove a point. We save that for the tournaments. It’s about learning from one another and having fun.

I also love that I can talk to just about anyone with an issue I am having and they are ready to help. There is no sense of “me” in the jiu jitsu world. Everyone seems to want to share knowledge. Not finishing that choke? “Move this way. Change this. Yep. Like that.” *Gag* Tap! Tap! It’s the jiu jitsu way.

And I can’t tell you how awesome it is to have this as a part of my life. I’m a girl living far from home. I love knowing that at the end of the day, I’m walking into not just my jiu jitsu gym, but into what feels like home with family. The only difference is the hugs we give one another look awfully similar to chokes. 😉

So to my jiu jitsu family, thanks! You all are awesome and I so appreciate who you are and how you represent jiu jitsu to the world.

~~Til the next time

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I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours ;)

5-love-languagesOh, yes. I do realize that I’ve skipped waaaaaay ahead. I’ve decided that the world’s longest 30 day challenge no longer followed the rules anyways, so I’m picking what I want to write 🙂 So, day 20: What is your love language?? If you don’t know what this is, or even better, what yours is, click on the pic and it will take you to a short quiz. Trust me, totally worth the time.

I’ve mentioned this in another post sort of, but my biggest love language is physical touch.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face–they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

I’m a toucher. I just am. More so with the people in my life but I’ve been known to disregard a stranger’s personal space a time or two. Mostly with a touch while in conversation. I’ve been accused of being flirty because of this, but I promise you, it is not. AT ALL. That is just another way I communicate.

Another that ranks up there is Quality Time. Time spent together. I love it. So the guy I’m seeing doesn’t own a television and I have to say that it is quite nice. He has Netflix so if we wanted to watch something we could, but so far we haven’t. It’s been nice just laying on the couch talking. Getting to know each other. Talk about one another’s days. Hang out with the kiddos 🙂 Enjoy the silence. I highly recommend it. You don’t have to sell your TVs but maybe turn it off for a bit. 🙂

So there you go 🙂 Just curious, what is yours?

~~Til the next time…

Day 20

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Addiction

“I thought we were a f*cking fairytale. But if you’re careless with something for long enough, you know, it breaks. And that’s how I feel. Broken. Completely and utterly broken.” –Karen

I’m not going to post this on Facebook. Hell, I don’t know if I will even publish this. I know this will automatically go to those that have subscribed to this strange little blog if I do, and that I am okay with, but I feel I should write this. I guess I just need to get it out of my head.

Right now, I am watching the 4th season of Californication. I love this show because first, the writing is fantastic. (If you haven’t seen it and you have delicate sensibilities, I suggest you avoid it. It is one of the more cruder shows out there.) Another reason I watch it tho, is in a way, it feels familiar. I’ve dealt with my Hank Moody’s. Yes, plural. I will say that none to the extent that Showtime shows, at least as far as I know, but the pain was all the same. I connect with Karen, his long time girlfriend. I hurt for her. I get angry with her. And I sit and wonder why.

For those not familiar, David Duchovny’s character, Hank Moody, is a sex addict, among other things. When you watch him, you learn he can’t really say no to anything. Drugs, alcohol, other people’s whims. He just does, as if on autopilot, seemingly oblivious to the pain he causes the people around him. Until that pain interrupts his life, causes him pain as well. And then you get to see a side of him that is broken, empty and screaming for something, a something that can’t be named.

And then I feel for him. My heart breaks for this adolescent trapped in a man’s body. Duchovney plays this character well, most certainly because of his own familiarity, and you get to see this side that people not closely involved rarely get to see. But I did. I know why Karen leaves and comes back. I’ve experienced others see a great guy, my great guy, and wonder why I’m angry and hurting. I’ve experience having to try and explain to my friends why I stay, why I go back when he’s hurt me so much. I’ve gotten to the point of breaking and vowed to never look back and then go running back into the same arms that shattered my heart, to give him “one more try”.

But there is just such a selfishness to addiction that can not be ignored. As many moments as I had of enjoying the kind, sweet person everyone else saw, I had many more where it was a “my way or the highway” kind of thinking. Sometimes I stayed, sometimes I left. Each time, tho, my heart broke a little more. And then I got to the point that I had nothing left to break. I remember those moments of feeling hollow as I said the words “I’m done”. I got to the point of being all “try’d” out.

In the middle of one of these relationships, I decided to start going to counseling. I was a mess. I honestly had no idea who I was. My identity became enmeshed in the battle of being a co-addict. Of hating what was going on and doing nothing to stop it. I sat in self pity and silence. I told no one of my struggles and I just let people assume whatever they wanted about me because I didn’t want anyone to “hate” him. I was just as sick as he was. I eventually left. I realized that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want it, or worse, doesn’t even realize he needs it.There was no magical person I could pretend to be that would make the situation better. His problem was not my problem to fix.

But self discovery is not about perfection. I found myself moving onto a relationship that was better but was still the same. I silenced myself to keep the peace. I walked on eggshells and lied about how bad it really was so that he didn’t feel bad about it. Thankfully, I realized it a lot faster than I had in the past and walked away, but not without scars.

Scars that ache when I watch this show because I am not just a viewer. I know this reality. I was Karen. I had my Hank. We had friends that played the roles like they do in this show.

Why do I watch, then? Because it’s everywhere. I can avoid this one show that screams of a problem that surrounds us, but that is the truth. It surrounds us. Remember Tiger? He wasn’t just a manwhore. He was a broken shell of a man that resembled someone of great confidence and power. And there are millions more like him that will never see their shame displayed on the tabloids for all to see.

I can run from a painful past, but then how do I celebrate the person I am today? That pain shaped me. The pain of my past allows me to fully celebrate the good I have today. It helps me appreciate the great relationships I have right now. It pushes me to appreciate authenticity as opposed to perfection. It gives me a greater sense of what true happiness really feels like.

So, I will watch. I will continue to face my anger and pain while watching a show I genuinely enjoy. And I will heal a little more everyday.

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Friendship and Romance

So, I have these friends. Really, really good friends. Two of my best friends even. And they are married to each other. I’ve had the joy of watching their relationship for the last year and I have to say that these two impress me. Not because they are the perfect couple. I think they’d be the first to tell you that they aren’t. Well, after they feigned shock that I would say such a thing. 🙂 They crack me up.
I’ve gotten to watch this crazy transformation of their relationship over the last 6-8 months which, if I’m honest with myself, has given this cynic some hope. They are high school sweethearts and have been together for more than 20 years, yet I’ve watched them turn into newlyweds almost two decades after they said their “I do”s. I think the biggest thing that has struck me is that I get to witness this sweet friendship between the two of them.
There have been moments where the two of them seem to get so lost in each other, that they have no idea that anyone else is watching them. I was lucky enough to capture this moment on film while we were out one day. The best part was that I was just randomly shooting what was going on around me and took a picture of them. When I was checking out my pictures later, I saw it. It just caught me. It has to be one of my favorite pictures of them.

Obviously the picture is not one that is perfectly shot. The lighting is all wrong. There is that horrendous glow on his face that has nothing to do with the love he has for his wife. But the looks on their faces. That is something that cannot be recreated. They share this bond, this friendship, that is fun to watch.

So why does this strike me so much. Well, it’s one of the things that I am looking for in a partner. I want to be with someone that is also my friend. Actually, that is on the top three of my list and is a deal breaker. If we can’t enjoy each other in the normal, non-romantic everyday, I don’t want it. It’s just that important to me. Harsh I know, but I also know that relationships are hard. It’s not something that comes easy just because you found that perfect person. There are days where you may have to remind yourself that you love the person laying next to you in bed. There are days that the romance just isn’t working and you have to rely on your friendship to get you through. Then there are days, like I said before, you love the person unconditionally, but at that moment you are not very fond of them. For me, I need the balance of both. I need my lover to also be my friend.

So when I get to see these little moments that my friend’s probably aren’t even aware of, it gives me hope for my future. Especially on the days when I doubt that romance and friendship can be found in one relationship.

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