Posts Tagged With: people

I suck at this blogging thing…

A-true-relationship-is-having-someone-who-accepts-your-past-supports-your-present-loves-you-and-encourages-your-futureNot that this statement is shocking to anyone that has read this blog with any frequency. 🙂 But I think I finally know why. I started this blog to kinda get outside of myself. I have struggled a long time with allowing people close enough to hurt me. Now, I realize that one’s instinct is to keep themselves safe, but I kept EVERYONE at least arm’s length. But at the same time, I would help anyone that I could, as often as I could. I thought this was being a good friend. Helping them carry their burdens while not burdening them with my own. But that is not true relationship. It’s a give and take. And I found as I began to let people in, that it was frustrating for them to be in relationship with me while I purposely held parts of myself to myself.

And it was a lonely place to be. While I was safe from any emotional harm, I also was no longer living life. I actually don’t know if I had ever lived life. And then I let go this perception of self preservation and began to open up. I started with those that were already my friends. I let them get closer. I shared struggles with them and let them help me, even if the help was nothing more than to listen. And it was difficult! So freaking difficult to do. As I spoke about whatever I was struggling about, I was also worrying on the inside of how they were perceiving me. I mean was I being petty? Did I blow things out of proportion? Was my friend sitting there thinking that I was just a huge loser? Turns out no. Well, most of the time. I am human. And I have honest friends 😉

So I started this blog as an exercise to get out of my comfort zone. It started with the mundane (and often hysterical) training stories of my marathon training and then circuit training. And every once in a while, I put a little something personal on there, and I would just see the numbers skyrocket on views. (Oh, and one secret I’ve kept is that I could see the view count and search terms. Someone out there has been regularly searching out my blog but would never subscribe. I see you! 😉 Ha!!)

And then those posts became more regular. And the more honest I became, the more it seemed to attract people’s attention. And never once did I receive anything negative. And this is the forum to do it. Complete anonymity!! But a fantastic thing seemed to happen in the process. The more I got used to opening up, the more I was not met with judgmental attitudes, the more I opened up.  In real life. I worried less about the opinions of those that didn’t matter. I became transparent to those that I love and love me. I began to live a life with arms wide open. I began to simply live life.

Now I’m not saying that I have not been hurt in the process because I have. Deeply. There have been moments where I was convinced that I would be unable to claw my way back to the surface. But then I remembered that I didn’t have to do it alone. That I had people that were there to help me. That wanted to help me. And then there were moments that I trusted people that weren’t who they presented themselves to be and I just had to let go of those relationships instead of trying to figure out the why of the situation. And as broken as my heart was, I bounced back. Some situations took longer than others, but I bounced back with the help of my friends.

And as I lived more transparently in my real life, I spent less time chronicling my shenanigans on here.  Because I became busy. Busy living the life I was always meant to live. Enjoying the wonderfully genuine people that were placed in my path. Busy living the life I used to write about in this blog.

And in my times of need, I reached out for help. I began to shed this huge ego problem that I held so tightly to before ( <- I attribute this to Jiu Jitsu, btw). And man I’m a lucky girl! Because no matter the situation, the help was abundant. Whether it was deep, big problems or a mini sobfest in the middle of my bed, someone was there to care for me. With absolutely no judgement. Now I’m not perfect. I still struggle with opening up. But those same people that are there to support me also support me by gently reminding me that I am being a stubborn ass. 😉 I’m a work in progress. 🙂

So I think I know why I now suck at this blog thing. It’s because I no longer suck at this thing called life. So like other things in my life that were only meant to be in my life for a season, I am saying goodbye to this blog.

~~Til we meet again (in real life)

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I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours ;)

5-love-languagesOh, yes. I do realize that I’ve skipped waaaaaay ahead. I’ve decided that the world’s longest 30 day challenge no longer followed the rules anyways, so I’m picking what I want to write 🙂 So, day 20: What is your love language?? If you don’t know what this is, or even better, what yours is, click on the pic and it will take you to a short quiz. Trust me, totally worth the time.

I’ve mentioned this in another post sort of, but my biggest love language is physical touch.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face–they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

I’m a toucher. I just am. More so with the people in my life but I’ve been known to disregard a stranger’s personal space a time or two. Mostly with a touch while in conversation. I’ve been accused of being flirty because of this, but I promise you, it is not. AT ALL. That is just another way I communicate.

Another that ranks up there is Quality Time. Time spent together. I love it. So the guy I’m seeing doesn’t own a television and I have to say that it is quite nice. He has Netflix so if we wanted to watch something we could, but so far we haven’t. It’s been nice just laying on the couch talking. Getting to know each other. Talk about one another’s days. Hang out with the kiddos 🙂 Enjoy the silence. I highly recommend it. You don’t have to sell your TVs but maybe turn it off for a bit. 🙂

So there you go 🙂 Just curious, what is yours?

~~Til the next time…

Day 20

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Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced

Day 6

Note to self: Next time I create one of these, pick light-hearted material. I guess the goal was to not only write but to also stretch myself but stiiiiiiiiill… Alright enough of the whining. 🙂

Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced

Honestly, I could pick a number of things to write about, but if I am being completely honest, I know which one it is.

Love is a funny thing sometimes. It is something that can lift you up, carry you through the most difficult of days. It can also rip you to your core. And the worst you will feel will sometimes come from those that you love the most. I guess it is because those are the ones that you open up to the most. You are your most vulnerable and therefore the heartache comes easier.

urlOkay, I’m stalling 🙂 but I guess the hardest thing I’ve experienced is also one of the hardest to write about. So not too long ago, yesterday really in my mind, I walked away from love. It was both the most logical and illogical decision I made. We both loved each other immensely. I had no doubt about that. Not for a second. But lordie were we just poison for one another.

We played this game of back and forth for many years. We lived a life of extremes. I love you. I hate you. You are my everything. You mean nothing to me. Don’t ever leave. Don’t ever come back. It was honestly very exhausting. But love will make you do stupid things. The last time was our longest consecutive time together and was probably the most painful. That time, we finally admitted that we loved each other.

When we met, we were so over relationships. We’d both been burned one too many times. At 32, I’d decided that I didn’t want to deal with relationships anymore. Thoughts of someday marrying someone??? Oh, hell no. I was done! Sad when I think about it, that at 32, I’d already given up. But I was so tired of hurting. My thought was if I just kept my distance, from men, from people in general, then I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of loss ever again.

And then I meet him.

We were like magnets. In every sense. There were times that we were just drawn together. I can’t put my finger on precisely why but if we were anywhere near each other, we would run into each other. Now, I live in a big city. It’s easy to get lost here if you want to. Didn’t seem to work with him. Then there were other times that, just like magnets, being anywhere near each other repelled us, shooting us in opposite directions.

Like I said, we did this for many years. Some of the pain I have chronicled here deal with him. We were together so long that there isn’t much in my life that doesn’t reminds me of him. Movies. Songs. My favorite artist we discovered together at another artist’s concert. I have a lot of good memories from our time together.

I also have a lot of gut-wrenching, pain-filled memories as well. The worst come from our last month together. It finally became too much. I made the decision to leave. It took a couple of tries but in the end, I did. And it honestly was the best decision I made when it came to our relationship. I had become an enabler (<– perfect example at this post) to his bad behavior and bad decisions. I lost all my glitter and sparkle to try to make something work that was never meant to.

So I made one of the hardest decisions in my life. I walked away from the one person outside of my family that I loved the most.

I will say that thanks to that relationship, I am no longer cynical and closed off. I have plenty of reason to but today, I choose walk another path. I’m young. Too young to give up on life and love. I’m not actively seeking it out, but I am no longer sitting in my house, closed off to the world in an attempt to stay safe. I take any opportunity to live and make memories. Right now, they are with the best friends a person can have and with my precious children. And when it happens, I hope I am open enough to recognize it and embrace it. I just have to keep remembering that beautiful flowers do not grow in the absence of rain.

~~Til the next time…

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Love and Straws

Heart-Shaped-Drinking-StrawsSo last night, we (Kris, Chris, myself, and 4 kids) were getting ready to eat and Kris gets herself some tea and remembers that she forgot to bring her stash of straws home from work. She drinks everything with a straw. Iced tea, water, coffee, alcohol. She loves her straws. 🙂 Well, without missing a beat, her husband, Chris, tells her that he bought her more straws while he was out. I watched her as she walked over and gave him a kiss and made a remark something like “even after I was mean to you last night”. The night before, she became irritated at him and went to bed early. To her credit, she was sick and didn’t quite know it yet and everything was irritating her. 🙂

As I watched this scene unfold last night, I pointed to her husband and said to her “and this is precisely the reason to never be jealous of my single life”. Not that she is. She loves her husband. Dearly. You can read about it here. But I’ve heard it from several other people. How they are jealous that I’m single and can do whatever I want. See whoever I want. Go wherever I want. Which is all true. And rather nice, but at the same time, it kinda sucks. I do what I want, when I want, where I want but I do it by myself. I raise two beautiful, awesome girls by myself.

What’s very funny is that just a week before, I was hanging out with two other friends of mine. Single, beautiful, articulate, personable friends of mine and we had a conversation about a pattern we’ve noticed. A trend we obviously weren’t told about. Now this may seem judgmental buuuuuuut I’m going to say it. It seems the awful, bitchy, hateful women seem to be married or are in long term relationships. Have these long relationships, however miserable, and the crazy part, with what seem like great guys and we are sitting on the couch on a weekend night watching a romantic comedy on Showtime. Blerg! I’m not saying every married woman is awful, bitchy or hateful, I’m just confused by all the horrible relationships that I’ve seen over the years that are still trucking along while the shelf life of a man’s interest in me doesn’t seem to go beyond two months.

Now we all have our theories about what is going on, all wrong I’m sure. 🙂 But what we do know is we are all at the point in our life that we are not interested in the stupid, childish games that seem to plague the dating world. And maybe that is what prevents most interests to go beyond the two month mark. I have a very low tolerance for BS. Looooooooooooooooow. I don’t dish it out and at the same time have no interest in allowing it to enter my life. I’m low key. I’m easy going. And I have no problem getting rid of anything that wants to bring drama and insanity into my life, including men. Life is just too short for that.

I don’t like being led on, having my feelings hurt because the “man” I’m seeing turns out to still be occupying the mind of a 15 year old boy. I don’t play games, so I don’t understand it when guys chooses that route. You know, no calls for three days after a date. Really?? Laaaaame. If you’re interested, get what you want. If you’re not, shake hands and move on. I’m not interested in acting crazed and jealous so that a man feels important. I’m with you. Obviously you are important to me. So as quickly as the fun of a relationship enters my sphere, I walk away with little concern of “what if”. Honestly, and I may be naive here, I think if it was going to work, it would. If not, move on. I won’t be the girl that gets in your face because you aren’t giving me the attention I want. I won’t scream, yell, and stomp because my expectations are not what is the reality. That’s not who I am.

And because my reality is that I’m looking for a “straw” man. Someone who thinks of me while he’s out and gets me the silly thing I love because it will make me happy. Someone who is happy to cast aside the drama and live in the moment with me because the present moment is all we have. I’m looking for a partner in crime, my best friend. I think this is really what we are all looking for. Living in the simple while sipping through our thoughtfully purchased straws 🙂

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