Posts Tagged With: Busy

I suck at this blogging thing…

A-true-relationship-is-having-someone-who-accepts-your-past-supports-your-present-loves-you-and-encourages-your-futureNot that this statement is shocking to anyone that has read this blog with any frequency. ๐Ÿ™‚ But I think I finally know why. I started this blog to kinda get outside of myself. I have struggled a long time with allowing people close enough to hurt me. Now, I realize that one’s instinct is to keep themselves safe, but I kept EVERYONE at least arm’s length. But at the same time, I would help anyone that I could, as often as I could. I thought this was being a good friend. Helping them carry their burdens while not burdening them with my own. But that is not true relationship. It’s a give and take. And I found as I began to let people in, that it was frustrating for them to be in relationship with me while I purposely held parts of myself to myself.

And it was a lonely place to be. While I was safe from any emotional harm, I also was no longer living life. I actually don’t know if I had ever lived life. And then I let go this perception of self preservation and began to open up. I started with those that were already my friends. I let them get closer. I shared struggles with them and let them help me, even if the help was nothing more than to listen. And it was difficult! So freaking difficult to do. As I spoke about whatever I was struggling about, I was also worrying on the inside of how they were perceiving me. I mean was I being petty? Did I blow things out of proportion? Was my friend sitting there thinking that I was just a huge loser? Turns out no. Well, most of the time. I am human. And I have honest friends ๐Ÿ˜‰

So I started this blog as an exercise to get out of my comfort zone. It started with the mundane (and often hysterical) training stories of my marathon training and then circuit training. And every once in a while, I put a little something personal on there, and I would just see the numbers skyrocket on views. (Oh, and one secret I’ve kept is that I could see the view count and search terms. Someone out there has been regularly searching out my blog but would never subscribe. I see you! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Ha!!)

And then those posts became more regular. And the more honest I became, the more it seemed to attract people’s attention. And never once did I receive anything negative. And this is the forum to do it. Complete anonymity!! But a fantastic thing seemed to happen in the process. The more I got used to opening up, the more I was not met with judgmental attitudes, the more I opened up. ย In real life. I worried less about the opinions of those that didn’t matter. I became transparent to those that I love and love me. I began to live a life with arms wide open. I began to simply live life.

Now I’m not saying that I have not been hurt in the process because I have. Deeply. There have been moments where I was convinced that I would be unable to claw my way back to the surface. But then I remembered that I didn’t have to do it alone. That I had people that were there to help me. That wantedย to help me. And then there were moments that I trusted people that weren’t who they presented themselves to be and I just had to let go of those relationships instead of trying to figure out the why of the situation.ย And as broken as my heart was, I bounced back. Some situations took longer than others, but I bounced back with the help of my friends.

And as I lived more transparently in my real life, I spent less time chronicling my shenanigans on here. ย Because I became busy. Busy living the life I was always meant to live. Enjoying the wonderfully genuine people that were placed in my path. Busy living the life I used to write about in this blog.

And in my times of need, I reached out for help. I began to shed this huge ego problem that I held so tightly to before ( <- I attribute this to Jiu Jitsu, btw). And man I’m a lucky girl! Because no matter the situation, the help was abundant. Whether it was deep, big problems or a mini sobfest in the middle of my bed, someone was there to care for me. With absolutely no judgement. Now I’m not perfect. I still struggle with opening up. But those same people that are there to support me also support me by gently reminding me that I am being a stubborn ass. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’m a work in progress. ๐Ÿ™‚

So I think I know why I now suck at this blog thing. It’s because I no longer suck at this thing called life. So like other things in my life that were only meant to be in my life for a season, I am saying goodbye to this blog.

~~Til we meet again (in real life)

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No New Year’s resolutions here…

imagesLife is short. Really short if you think about it. The gray hairs I plan to cover tonight with hair dye are evidence of the years I’ve lived.

And then I think about the sweet girl that lost her life just days before Christmas at the tender age of 17. Life offers no guarantees.

And then there are the several battles of cancer I’ve had to face and have been open about and the multitude of “scares” that I’ve kept to myself. No guarantees.

Maybe that is why I live my life the way I do. I choose a life of passion. Of joy. Of a “human soul on fire”. A life of no regrets. And I also cut out things that do not add to the quality of my life. I do not want to sit on my death bed wishing I had not wasted seconds of my precious life on things that did not add love, passion, and life.

I want to do something? I do it. I want to go somewhere? I go. I want to spend time with someone? I do. Some think me crazy. Some think me bold. But while I have the privilege to experience this simulation we call life, I choose to find those moments meant to bring life and pursue them. I choose to pursue relationships that bring love and light. ย I want to be the friend that is energizing and uplifting. I want to be the lover that brings quiet excitement and chaotic peace. I want to be wholly me.ย 

At the end of my days, I want the movie that plays before my eyes to be filled with the moments I shared with the people I loved, doing the things I loved. And that starts with the everyday. New years resolutions? I don’t make them. I choose to live them.

So what makes you feel alive?? And do you choose to pursue them daily??

~~Til the next time…

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Funny stories from the D1 floor…

I know I’ve said it over and over, but I love going to boot camp! I figured since my stories are largely about how much pain I am in, I would switch gears and tell some funny stories from the turf at D1. This morning inspired me as it was another funny morning. So here are a couple of funny classes for me:

1) My coach is 23 years old. It’s not his fault but when you are leading a class of 30 & 40 somethings, it may be a little difficult. The day we found out, which was during his first week leading our class, we all were stunned. I just looked at him and then told him I was going to run to the other side of the field to throw up. ๐Ÿ™‚ After that, it just became a free for all when it came to his age. When he said a title to a movie or a song, someone would pipe up and ask how he knew about it since he was so young. There were constant comments about him being a baby and other instances like these. Well on Monday, picking on him about his age started again. I guess in the two days that I missed last week, members started to call him Bieber. On Monday, everyone used Bieber references when talking to him, myself included. I don’t remember what he said to me but my response was “Never, say, Never, Greg!” He was not amused. He punished us with exercises. BUT it was so worth it! ๐Ÿ™‚

2) On one Wednesday morning (it was legs day, that’s how I remember), we were nearing the end of our class and our coach had us do wall squats while passing a medicine ball down the line. It was torture. After doing about 45 minutes of leg workouts, my legs, and the legs of my classmates were screaming! Legs at 90 degrees, shaking, made worse when the medicine ball was thrown into my arms. Every time my coach looked away, I grabbed the ledge above me to give myself a few seconds of relief. I got busted more than once. At one point Greg screamed “Tina, down!” I felt like a puppy! ๐Ÿ™‚ Everyone was doing something different, anything to make the time pass and trying to forget the pain. And that is when I heard Greg let out a huge laugh. I looked up and saw him looking at another classmate of mine. The question that came out of his mouth sent me over the edge. “Are you saying the Lord’s Prayer?!?!?!?!” My classmate, in an effort to be transported from his pain, was reciting the Lord’s Prayer, over and over, face in a blank stare. Priceless!!

These are just two of many but I’ve been up since 4:15a after having gone to bed at midnight (dumb Words with Friends! :)), so I’m tired and my thinking is a little fuzzy. Point is, boot camp, while hard, is very enjoyable. Or at least my group makes it very enjoyable. ๐Ÿ™‚

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Getting personal and why I do what I do….

Anyone that really knows me also knows that I am not quick with talk about my personal inner workings. I have a tendency to keep it close and work things out by myself. Great, happy things that are going on, I feel free to talk about, but let it be something hard, a struggle I am facing and I am locked up tighter than Fort Knox. I am never surprised at the shocked faces when friends slowly find out things that have happened months prior. And it usually happens with a “oh and this thing happened. Blah. Blah. Blah” followed by a quick “hold the heck on” from my friends. I am currently working to change that.

Last night, in the course of a conversation, I did the same thing to yet another person. As we were talking, I said something about being a cancer survivor. Shock crossed his face. “What?!?” My response? “I thought I told you.” And then I went on to tell him my story, answering any questions he had along the way.

I also told him that I had a cancer scare last year. During that scare, on the outside, I was very much “it’s nothing”. On the inside, I was scared as hell. My cousin died of breast cancer at a very young age. Every scare I have had along my journey was magnified when my doctors were told about this fact. The most common response was “that is way too young”. The way they treated me and my illness was always with that in mind and I am grateful. Any occurrence was usually found early and dealt with little invasion to my body or my life. While I was irritated about having to possess specialists and see them far more frequently than I cared (and I’m sure far more frequently than my insurance company cared for), it was always the reason things were discovered and dealt with so early.

Now of course I had some meltdowns along the way last year, but for the most part I kept a positive or at least a “positive” attitude. In October, one week after my 33rd birthday, I had surgery to take out the mass that was in question. The surgery was walk-in (love the advances of medicine!) and when the tests were completed, the results came back benign. After 7 months, I could finally breathe easy again.

5 months later, all I have left from that is a little scar that will fade over time but is a constant reminder of just how fragile life really is. I see the scar everyday and it has really affected my way of thinking. In January, I decided that I was going to join Team Rio and finally run the half marathon that I have been dying to run for almost 8 years now. In February, in an effort to aid my marathon training and my well-being all together, I joined D1 for a year to do boot camp 5 days a week. I’ve committed to a golf scramble in March. I am going to go skydiving this summer with a friend of mine (yes, I am jumping out of a perfectly functioning plane). I am doing the Warrior Dash with her in September, as well. I tell my friends that I love them when I get off the phone with them or when we part ways because I don’t want them to wonder how I feel about them for a second. I am meeting new people and forming new relationship because I refuse to let fear get in my way anymore. Wow! I am starting to feel like a Tim McGraw song!! ๐Ÿ™‚

Ultimately, I’ve decided that I am going to try to live like I have a million tomorrows and at the same time, live like today is my last. I want to make every second count because really I’m not guaranteed my next. And if I live to be 100, I don’t want to look back wishing I had done something that I let slip by, regretting time not spent with people I enjoyed, not loving people fully because fear and pride got in the way. I want to look back and know I lived to the fullest of my ability.

So call me crazy because of the things I’ve gotten myself involved with. Look at my schedule and wonder what the heck I am thinking. But I will tell you one thing, I am loving my life right now. I can’t tell you the last time I have felt this content and at peace. I may be busy and on the go, but I am not living in “oh, I wish I had” moments anymore. I am working on opening myself up to whatever the world is going to bring me and taking on life’s lessons along the way. This is really why I do what I do.

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Boot Camp is taking over my life…

Just want to start off by saying that I LOVE boot camp. I get up every morning excited to go, well except for this morning. ๐Ÿ™‚ Because of my already very tight schedule, the only class that I can take is the 5am class. That means that I get up at 4:15a every weekday morning to start my day. By the time 9pm rolls around, I am dragging around my place getting my gym bag together for the next day, willing myself to go faster so that I can crawl into bed.

I never was one to stay up crazy late unless I was feeling squirrely or I was out with friends, but 9:30p seems like a ridiculously early bedtime. Crazier because it is not because I want to go to sleep that early, but because I literally can no longer keep my eyes open. Wherever I am, couch or bed, 9:30p, 10p if I feel REALLY rested,ย  I am out. Comatose. We had 2 really large storms last week that I not only slept through, I woke up not even realizing there was a storm until I saw the mayhem on the streets as I was driving to boot camp. That morning, I told my coach that D1 had become my life to which he replied, “Good!”. Umm, nu uh!

Another thing about boot camp is that I have found every weak muscle in my body and they are all taking turns being sore. After my first day of boot camp, I could barely walk. Actually, right after the class ended, I walked into the office, laid my head on the counter and preceded to have a conversation with one of the employees about how much that hurt and how badly “S” was going to pay for suggesting that I try this, never once lifting my head from the safety of the counter. I just knew if I moved, I would collapse into a quivering pile of pathetic on the cold, hard office floor. When I saw “S” two days later, I was still hobbling around and moaning and groaning with each step. He thought it was hysterical…I did not. I guess I never should have laughed at him when he was talking about all his boot camp pain just weeks prior to my own. Oh, sweet karma, you get me every time. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Now that I am about a month in, I am not feeling the pain so much anymore. I have twinges. Today, my knee hurts. So when my alarm rang at 4:15a and I was still feeling exhausted, I decided between the pain and my being tired that I was not going to go today. Well that turned out to be a bigger mistake than I thought it would be. I think with that one change in my normal schedule, I made a mess of my routine. I’ve managed to forget several things at home, my brain included. I feel not only guilty about skipping boot camp, my body is actually rebelling against me. I told “S” that I skipped today but that I was thinking about making it up in the 6p class. He then told me how hard his class was. I now want to change my mind but I think it will make me feel worlds better if I just go and get it done. And of course not skip tomorrow. ๐Ÿ™‚ D1 has taken over….but again, I am loving it despite my bits of complaining. In about a month, I will wonder what all this whining was about. But until then, it is off to split squats and suicides for me!

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And now I’ve added a golf tournament… :)

On Friday, I got a text that said “We’re going to 80’s night tomorrow and we are dressing up!” ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Oh, yessssssss!! I ran over to my friend’s desk and asked her if she was doing anything that night because I needed her help in acquiring a few more items and it’s always more fun to go running around with a friend. That night, while we were combing the racks for 80’s fun stuff, my phone rang. It was a friend of mine that I hadn’t talked to in a couple of weeks so I took the call.

After a little catching up, she asked if I would be interested in doing a golf tournament with her. I asked her if she cared about winning, to which she replied no, and then I told her that I was in. Sounded like fun and since neither one of us cared about winning or losing, it made it even better. Now, I must be crazy! I have boot camp, training for a marathon, full-time job, full-time student, full-time mom, my tiny little social life and now I’ve added a golf tournament. Yeah, I’m crazy. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thankfully there is a driving range near my house, but I haven’t figured out just when I will have the time to go over there to hit some golf balls. I told my fellow boot camp crazy, “S”, about doing the golf tournament and he suggested that we both hit the range together since he is a golfer. It’s probably going to be the only time we get to hang out since I keep cramming stuff into my already busy life. I’m also hoping he can help me out since me playing golf is going to be ridiculously funny. So, yeah. My already busy, crazy life just got crazier but I have to say, I am having the best time! I love my life!! ๐Ÿ™‚

Oh, and up to 8 miles as of this past Saturday. Woot!!! And the 80’s night was sensational!! ๐Ÿ™‚

Categories: More Craziness | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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