More Craziness

Aaaaand I’m back :D

With the end of my schooling coming to an ever so close end, I find myself wondering what I’ll do with the free time I have outside of work and jiu jitsu. That sounds laughable, but I guess a part of me also needs a place to exercise my creativity and empty out this crazy brain of mine. So I guess I’m back 🙂
So here’s my first of I’m sure many sporadic blog posts 🙂 Writing only when the mood strikes me. I’m letting go of the idea that I need to write on some unspoken timetable. It’s really the first of many instances where I am going to have to learn that what I think should happen, may not be how it needs to happen. So here I go again.
~~Til we meet again…

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Fill-in-the-Blank Fridays

1. You should always take time to tell the ones you love that you love them!
2. Haribo Gummy Bears make(s) the world a happier place to be.
3. I can hardly wait for my birthday. It’s soooooo close!!!!
4. Sunday is my favorite day of the week. Blueberry pancakes in the morning with my girls, football the rest of the day, couch-time.
5. Something totally dumb and ridiculous that I love is my body pillow. I’ve told people that we have a relationship 🙂
6. If I could, I would… geez, I actually have no idea
7. I rather like the feeling of fall.
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“I thought we were a f*cking fairytale. But if you’re careless with something for long enough, you know, it breaks. And that’s how I feel. Broken. Completely and utterly broken.” –Karen

I’m not going to post this on Facebook. Hell, I don’t know if I will even publish this. I know this will automatically go to those that have subscribed to this strange little blog if I do, and that I am okay with, but I feel I should write this. I guess I just need to get it out of my head.

Right now, I am watching the 4th season of Californication. I love this show because first, the writing is fantastic. (If you haven’t seen it and you have delicate sensibilities, I suggest you avoid it. It is one of the more cruder shows out there.) Another reason I watch it tho, is in a way, it feels familiar. I’ve dealt with my Hank Moody’s. Yes, plural. I will say that none to the extent that Showtime shows, at least as far as I know, but the pain was all the same. I connect with Karen, his long time girlfriend. I hurt for her. I get angry with her. And I sit and wonder why.

For those not familiar, David Duchovny’s character, Hank Moody, is a sex addict, among other things. When you watch him, you learn he can’t really say no to anything. Drugs, alcohol, other people’s whims. He just does, as if on autopilot, seemingly oblivious to the pain he causes the people around him. Until that pain interrupts his life, causes him pain as well. And then you get to see a side of him that is broken, empty and screaming for something, a something that can’t be named.

And then I feel for him. My heart breaks for this adolescent trapped in a man’s body. Duchovney plays this character well, most certainly because of his own familiarity, and you get to see this side that people not closely involved rarely get to see. But I did. I know why Karen leaves and comes back. I’ve experienced others see a great guy, my great guy, and wonder why I’m angry and hurting. I’ve experience having to try and explain to my friends why I stay, why I go back when he’s hurt me so much. I’ve gotten to the point of breaking and vowed to never look back and then go running back into the same arms that shattered my heart, to give him “one more try”.

But there is just such a selfishness to addiction that can not be ignored. As many moments as I had of enjoying the kind, sweet person everyone else saw, I had many more where it was a “my way or the highway” kind of thinking. Sometimes I stayed, sometimes I left. Each time, tho, my heart broke a little more. And then I got to the point that I had nothing left to break. I remember those moments of feeling hollow as I said the words “I’m done”. I got to the point of being all “try’d” out.

In the middle of one of these relationships, I decided to start going to counseling. I was a mess. I honestly had no idea who I was. My identity became enmeshed in the battle of being a co-addict. Of hating what was going on and doing nothing to stop it. I sat in self pity and silence. I told no one of my struggles and I just let people assume whatever they wanted about me because I didn’t want anyone to “hate” him. I was just as sick as he was. I eventually left. I realized that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want it, or worse, doesn’t even realize he needs it.There was no magical person I could pretend to be that would make the situation better. His problem was not my problem to fix.

But self discovery is not about perfection. I found myself moving onto a relationship that was better but was still the same. I silenced myself to keep the peace. I walked on eggshells and lied about how bad it really was so that he didn’t feel bad about it. Thankfully, I realized it a lot faster than I had in the past and walked away, but not without scars.

Scars that ache when I watch this show because I am not just a viewer. I know this reality. I was Karen. I had my Hank. We had friends that played the roles like they do in this show.

Why do I watch, then? Because it’s everywhere. I can avoid this one show that screams of a problem that surrounds us, but that is the truth. It surrounds us. Remember Tiger? He wasn’t just a manwhore. He was a broken shell of a man that resembled someone of great confidence and power. And there are millions more like him that will never see their shame displayed on the tabloids for all to see.

I can run from a painful past, but then how do I celebrate the person I am today? That pain shaped me. The pain of my past allows me to fully celebrate the good I have today. It helps me appreciate the great relationships I have right now. It pushes me to appreciate authenticity as opposed to perfection. It gives me a greater sense of what true happiness really feels like.

So, I will watch. I will continue to face my anger and pain while watching a show I genuinely enjoy. And I will heal a little more everyday.

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Friendship and Romance

So, I have these friends. Really, really good friends. Two of my best friends even. And they are married to each other. I’ve had the joy of watching their relationship for the last year and I have to say that these two impress me. Not because they are the perfect couple. I think they’d be the first to tell you that they aren’t. Well, after they feigned shock that I would say such a thing. 🙂 They crack me up.
I’ve gotten to watch this crazy transformation of their relationship over the last 6-8 months which, if I’m honest with myself, has given this cynic some hope. They are high school sweethearts and have been together for more than 20 years, yet I’ve watched them turn into newlyweds almost two decades after they said their “I do”s. I think the biggest thing that has struck me is that I get to witness this sweet friendship between the two of them.
There have been moments where the two of them seem to get so lost in each other, that they have no idea that anyone else is watching them. I was lucky enough to capture this moment on film while we were out one day. The best part was that I was just randomly shooting what was going on around me and took a picture of them. When I was checking out my pictures later, I saw it. It just caught me. It has to be one of my favorite pictures of them.

Obviously the picture is not one that is perfectly shot. The lighting is all wrong. There is that horrendous glow on his face that has nothing to do with the love he has for his wife. But the looks on their faces. That is something that cannot be recreated. They share this bond, this friendship, that is fun to watch.

So why does this strike me so much. Well, it’s one of the things that I am looking for in a partner. I want to be with someone that is also my friend. Actually, that is on the top three of my list and is a deal breaker. If we can’t enjoy each other in the normal, non-romantic everyday, I don’t want it. It’s just that important to me. Harsh I know, but I also know that relationships are hard. It’s not something that comes easy just because you found that perfect person. There are days where you may have to remind yourself that you love the person laying next to you in bed. There are days that the romance just isn’t working and you have to rely on your friendship to get you through. Then there are days, like I said before, you love the person unconditionally, but at that moment you are not very fond of them. For me, I need the balance of both. I need my lover to also be my friend.

So when I get to see these little moments that my friend’s probably aren’t even aware of, it gives me hope for my future. Especially on the days when I doubt that romance and friendship can be found in one relationship.

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Just trust me…

Trust. It’s such a precarious thing. I enjoy people who say to me “just trust me” followed by a casual wave of the hand. I especially like it coming from the ones that I’ve just met. It’s often followed with “have I ever let you down?”. Ummm, why no. No, you haven’t. But then again, I met you 5 minutes ago. 🙂

I think that if you asked most of my friends, they would say that I’m a pretty trusting person. And then they would all be wrong. 🙂 I am the type of person that will give people a chance, some more than others, but I’m far from the trusting type. Actually, what I am thinking on the inside is “you’re going to let me down”. With most relationships, it’s a constant battle for me to stay engaged because I have a cute little devil in disguise, dancing around my head, singing “this will never work. this will never work.” Insert sh*t kickers and a mandolin and I’m all but sold.

But I choose to fight to stay engaged and here’s why.

Some relationships have faded away as our time together just came to a natural end. Some ended in explosive, hurt filled rants that can only be healed with space and the passing of time. Others were an agreement that we just didn’t get along and it was time to move on. While others were a one sided ending of the relationship for whatever reason, but still peaceful. With all these relationships I learned something valuable and I don’t regret any of them.

But the reason I choose to fight the devil inside is because of the relationships I still do have. I consider myself a very lucky person because I have a lot of great friends, some of those I count as best friends. They are not only my best friends, but I think of them as family. I have a couple extra sisters and brothers. How many people can honestly say that? I talk to two of my friends every day. We aren’t just friends, we live life together. And I am grateful for them.

And I trust them wholeheartedly. I TRUST them as defined above. When I am with these friends, I feel like I am at home with family. There are no pretenses. I don’t have to act, look or speak a certain way for them to like me. They like every part of my silly, outspoken, imperfect, broken little self. I don’t feel like I have to be strong and perfect to be with them ‘cuz God knows I am far from either.

I think I mostly knew that but last weekend cemented it for me. I was having a rough couple days. One night I was sitting on the back porch with one of these friends, quietly crying. We would exchange sentences, little thoughts back and forth and we would just sit, me with my wine and her with her tea. I could see the concern on my friend’s face. I know most of it was her wish to make it all better for me. To find the magical combination of actions to make the pain go away. Little did she know that she was doing just that.

I don’t like to cry. Most people that know me have probably never seen me cry. I fight the urge so badly that when I do, it is often followed by a horrible headache from the effort to keep the tears at bay. And it’s all because I don’t trust people. I don’t trust that they will not judge me. I don’t trust that they will not blame me. I don’t trust them to care for me. Honestly, I don’t trust that they care.

But that night, as the tears flowed freely, I trusted. I believed. I had confidence. I knew, in the presence of sweet family, I was safe. Safe to cry. Safe to talk. Safe to be.

So, sweet friend, you know who you are, you did find the magical combination, which turned out not to be so magical after all. What little trust I had for people in general grew that night because of the great trust I have in you. Not because you knew the right things to say or because you figured out just what to do. It was all because you provided the safety and the care that was your back porch to a hurting, needy friend. I left that night knowing, regardless of the outcome of my situation, I was going to be alright because I had people I could trust with my heart. You are a light that shines in the darkest of my thoughts. Thanks for being there to chase away the devil with me.

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Ready for the fall…

I can’t believe that the summer is almost over! It seems to have just started but school starts in just two weeks. My girls come back from their summer break in just a week. Another 9 weeks of school just started for me. Oh my goodness!! I’m already tired 🙂

I am really excited, though. I haven’t seen my girls’ faces in almost 2 months except on facebook. I miss them terribly. I’ve enjoyed the quiet but I am so ready for the organized chaos that is my life.

I’m also really excited that in two weeks I get to go back to boot camp. I had to take a break to let my knee fully heal from the injury I sustained while training for the marathon that I was unable to run. I should have let it heal when I first hurt it but I didn’t want to stop and ended up where I was. It hurt to walk. It really hurt to walk up stairs and I had to quit wearing heels and had to resort to just wearing flip flops. Two weeks of a break has already done a world of good. I’m taking it easy and taking vitamins so that when I go back, I’ll be good to go. I do have to say that I am a little freaked out about the soreness that I’m going to experience. I know it’ll hurt but I have no idea to what extent. Very scared 🙂

I also have Warrior Dash, the women’s half marathon and now the Zombie Buffet 5k to look forward to in just the next two months and I am very excited. I can’t wait to be active again.

I’m just ready for this next season of my life to start. I have a lot to look forward to and a lot to be thankful for.

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What’s your favorite color?

I am the proud mother of girls. At the same time, I am convinced that I should have been the proud mother of boys. Why? Because as a woman, I think I have more testosterone than the average woman. I don’t like shopping. I love football, both college (Hook’em Horns!) and professional (Who Dat!). I am a little (teeny, tiny) bit competitive. Even my Words with Friends games can get a little bit stressful. I talk way too much smack, especially since I probably can’t back up most of what I’m saying. I can hang out with the boys and talk s**t and not feel the least bit out of place. I’ve had some say that they forget I’m a girl. Don’t know if that’s good or bad. 🙂 I don’t do drama and I’m more of a pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on kinda girl. But still a girl and a mother to girls.

So yesterday, I was telling a friend of mine about an encounter with one of my daughters. She was distraught over a lost relationship with a boy that she honestly barely knew. I was puzzled but tried to be supportive. I asked her why she was so upset. Her answer??


Tears were streaming down her face. This was a boy that she knew for less than a month. Love?!?!? Okay. Me being the type of mother that I am, I asked the following question. Remember, I think that I am being supportive. And at the same time, I am wanting to impart a life lesson. Uh huh…this is going to go well.

ME: “Well, sweetie. What was this boy’s favorite color?”

HER: “What?”

ME: “What was his favorite color?”

HER: “I don’t know” (hands thrown in the air, eyes rolling)

ME: “Well, if you didn’t know something as basic as what his favorite color was, I just don’t think it was love.”

Supportive, huh??? I went on to tell her that loving someone was a special, precious thing that developed over time as two people learned more and more about each other and it was not like someone saying they loved spicy Cheetos. Can you feel the gentleness with which I was handling the situation? Yeeeeeeeah….

Well, I was telling my friend, Kris, about this conversation as we were walking to Starbucks yesterday to which she told me that her husband didn’t have a favorite color. I looked at her puzzled and thought, the man has NO preference towards color. As a painter, this thought baffled me. She must have picked up on that because she told me to text her husband to confirm this. I shot off the text and waited. My phone buzzed to alert me that I had received a text.


I turned my phone towards my friend and told her that she was in trouble. Her instant and very passionate reply was “He’s lying!” She told me that the only reason he told me a color was because he felt like he should. So then I sent off another text asking if that was actually his favorite color or if he felt the need to tell me a color because I asked. He told me that his colors were blue and black, in his words “the colors of pain”. HA!! You will have to read the rest on my friends blog here. It’s funny! In a nutshell, they have been together for 23 years and for the whole time, not only did she not know what his favorite color was, she wasn’t even aware that he had one. The best part of the whole ordeal was when she had me test his knowledge of her favorite color and without hesitation he named it off….red. She was so busted!! And slightly perturbed. I on the other hand found it hysterical! She tried to blow it off as being a natural phenomenon, but every friend we passed in the halls on our way back knew the answer to that question. I also had to poke fun at her expense and remind her that the guy that I had just started dating not only got me flowers, but got me flowers in burnt orange, the color of my favorite team…cuz he was paying attention. She was not happy with that little bit of information. 😉

Now by no means am I saying that if you don’t know what your significant other’s favorite color is, you must not be in love. What I am saying is that if you don’t know the basics of what is important to the other person, I find it hard to believe that you love them. How do you know you love them when you don’t even know them?

Last thing…I know Kris and her husband and I KNOW those two love each other. I have pictures that I took of them without them knowing and you can see it all over their faces while they were talking to one another. She may not have known his favorite color, but she knows what is important to him. What makes him happy. And that’s what matters. It was just funny to rehash her reaction to the whole thing! In a public setting. If you haven’t, read her blog posting. It’s priceless!!

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Getting personal and why I do what I do….

Anyone that really knows me also knows that I am not quick with talk about my personal inner workings. I have a tendency to keep it close and work things out by myself. Great, happy things that are going on, I feel free to talk about, but let it be something hard, a struggle I am facing and I am locked up tighter than Fort Knox. I am never surprised at the shocked faces when friends slowly find out things that have happened months prior. And it usually happens with a “oh and this thing happened. Blah. Blah. Blah” followed by a quick “hold the heck on” from my friends. I am currently working to change that.

Last night, in the course of a conversation, I did the same thing to yet another person. As we were talking, I said something about being a cancer survivor. Shock crossed his face. “What?!?” My response? “I thought I told you.” And then I went on to tell him my story, answering any questions he had along the way.

I also told him that I had a cancer scare last year. During that scare, on the outside, I was very much “it’s nothing”. On the inside, I was scared as hell. My cousin died of breast cancer at a very young age. Every scare I have had along my journey was magnified when my doctors were told about this fact. The most common response was “that is way too young”. The way they treated me and my illness was always with that in mind and I am grateful. Any occurrence was usually found early and dealt with little invasion to my body or my life. While I was irritated about having to possess specialists and see them far more frequently than I cared (and I’m sure far more frequently than my insurance company cared for), it was always the reason things were discovered and dealt with so early.

Now of course I had some meltdowns along the way last year, but for the most part I kept a positive or at least a “positive” attitude. In October, one week after my 33rd birthday, I had surgery to take out the mass that was in question. The surgery was walk-in (love the advances of medicine!) and when the tests were completed, the results came back benign. After 7 months, I could finally breathe easy again.

5 months later, all I have left from that is a little scar that will fade over time but is a constant reminder of just how fragile life really is. I see the scar everyday and it has really affected my way of thinking. In January, I decided that I was going to join Team Rio and finally run the half marathon that I have been dying to run for almost 8 years now. In February, in an effort to aid my marathon training and my well-being all together, I joined D1 for a year to do boot camp 5 days a week. I’ve committed to a golf scramble in March. I am going to go skydiving this summer with a friend of mine (yes, I am jumping out of a perfectly functioning plane). I am doing the Warrior Dash with her in September, as well. I tell my friends that I love them when I get off the phone with them or when we part ways because I don’t want them to wonder how I feel about them for a second. I am meeting new people and forming new relationship because I refuse to let fear get in my way anymore. Wow! I am starting to feel like a Tim McGraw song!! 🙂

Ultimately, I’ve decided that I am going to try to live like I have a million tomorrows and at the same time, live like today is my last. I want to make every second count because really I’m not guaranteed my next. And if I live to be 100, I don’t want to look back wishing I had done something that I let slip by, regretting time not spent with people I enjoyed, not loving people fully because fear and pride got in the way. I want to look back and know I lived to the fullest of my ability.

So call me crazy because of the things I’ve gotten myself involved with. Look at my schedule and wonder what the heck I am thinking. But I will tell you one thing, I am loving my life right now. I can’t tell you the last time I have felt this content and at peace. I may be busy and on the go, but I am not living in “oh, I wish I had” moments anymore. I am working on opening myself up to whatever the world is going to bring me and taking on life’s lessons along the way. This is really why I do what I do.

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And now I’ve added a golf tournament… :)

On Friday, I got a text that said “We’re going to 80’s night tomorrow and we are dressing up!” 😮 Oh, yessssssss!! I ran over to my friend’s desk and asked her if she was doing anything that night because I needed her help in acquiring a few more items and it’s always more fun to go running around with a friend. That night, while we were combing the racks for 80’s fun stuff, my phone rang. It was a friend of mine that I hadn’t talked to in a couple of weeks so I took the call.

After a little catching up, she asked if I would be interested in doing a golf tournament with her. I asked her if she cared about winning, to which she replied no, and then I told her that I was in. Sounded like fun and since neither one of us cared about winning or losing, it made it even better. Now, I must be crazy! I have boot camp, training for a marathon, full-time job, full-time student, full-time mom, my tiny little social life and now I’ve added a golf tournament. Yeah, I’m crazy. 🙂 Thankfully there is a driving range near my house, but I haven’t figured out just when I will have the time to go over there to hit some golf balls. I told my fellow boot camp crazy, “S”, about doing the golf tournament and he suggested that we both hit the range together since he is a golfer. It’s probably going to be the only time we get to hang out since I keep cramming stuff into my already busy life. I’m also hoping he can help me out since me playing golf is going to be ridiculously funny. So, yeah. My already busy, crazy life just got crazier but I have to say, I am having the best time! I love my life!! 🙂

Oh, and up to 8 miles as of this past Saturday. Woot!!! And the 80’s night was sensational!! 🙂

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I can’t swim. I can sink but I can’t swim. It’s sad because I used to live in Florida and time at the beach would be spent either on the sand or wading ever so carefully in shallower water. Actually, two years ago, a friend and I went down to Rosemary Beach and the only thing I did in the water was wash the sand off my feet. Don’t get me wrong. I would LOVE to go out in the water and swim around or at least have the confidence that if a huge wave came in, I wouldn’t be washed away with no hope of surviving.

Apparently, this is the year that I am going to take care of what I’ve always wanted to do. First is running the 1/2 marathon. Training underway. Now, I want to learn how to swim. I’ve always heard other people talk about how fun/relaxing it is to swim. I would like to find out for myself.

Well, yesterday, I traded my geekery skills for information about adult swimming lessons and got the hook up. My boss’ daughter is a swim instructor at the Y and is willing to teach me and if our schedules conflict, gave me the name of her boss. I have to say that while I am excited, I am also TERRIFIED! I have a huge fear of the water. It used to be so ridiculous that I wouldn’t wash my face in the shower. I would tip my head waaaaay back to clean the shampoo and conditioner out of my hair and would wait to wash my face in the sink when my shower was complete. I told you…ridiculous!

So now I am going to take the final plunge (literally) and learn how to swim. The timing is perfect. This summer I am going to the beach again and my sister is (hopefully) moving to the coast. I would like to finally take full advantage of the beach while I’m there. 🙂

3 miles tonight!! Hooah! 😉

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